The Mother in-Law’s Manual

Mothers-in-law are defined by their children and their partners.  Often daughters-in-law have sharp words for their mothers-in-law.  Here are some of the complaints and some different ways of thinking about those complaints if you are a daughter-in-law.  If you are a mother-in-law, you will want the book.

My Mother in-Law Never Thinks I am Good Enough
We want our mother-in-law to think we are terrific. With that mind set, we start looking, consciously or unconsciously, for criticism. Look hard enough and it is easy to find. Stop looking. Decide you can only hear compliments. Look for them and repeat them. If you mother-in-law can’t find anything nice to say, understand it is about her and NOT about you.

My Mother in-law is Always Meddling in my Life
We don’t want our mother in-law to interfere in our life, but don’t confuse a mother-in-law’s opinion with interference. Because your MIL thinks you should or shouldn’t work, should or shouldn’t iron, cook or exercise doesn’t mean you need to do it or even feel judged. Respect her right to her opinions, and then respect your right to live the life you want and just live it and never mind that you see the world differently.

Mothers in-law Say the Dumbest (or Meanest) Things.
If you find something hurtful, be a reporter and report, without emotion, “Gee, that feels hurtful.” If you disagree and don’t want to let it go, just note, “I don’t see things that way so we will have to disagree.” You don’t have to win any argument. You just have to live the life you want with pleasure, and that comes from you.

As wives, we want a happy, satisfying relationship for both of ourselves and our spouses and, if we have children, to bring them up to be good and productive people. If we are happy, it is easier to do this work. If we are not fighting with our in-laws or our own parents, we are happier and, usually, our spouse is happier. It is an interesting challenge to figure out how to build a good relationship, but if we are fixed on that as our intention, the odds of success go up.

Some of us have crazy or toxic in-laws but most of us are dealing with normal people whose behaviors we see through our own filters. If they are making us crazy, it can help to put on different filters.

Change the Mother-in-Law Filter

Changing the filter actually works equally well for both mothers in-laws and for daughters in-laws.

Favorite Filter #1:
I want to be liked and admired by mother in-law. Why doesn’t she like and or admire me? Let me find the ways….

Change the Filter:
My MIL wants to be adored and respected by me. What can I find about her that I genuinely like?

Favorite Filter #2:
Why doesn’t my mother in-law pay more attention to my needs?

Change the Filter:
How can I help my mother in-law understand and value what I need?

Favorite Filer #3:
My mother in-law demands too much time, attention or affection…

Change the Filter:
How can I establish boundaries that are fair for all of us?

…..

Have other thoughts to add.  Send them on:  motherinlaw@lieberman.net