The Mother in-Law’s Manual

NOTE:  This essay came to me by email from a woman who sees parallels between “In-Law” status and “Step-Parent” status with adult children.  I’m posting it just as I received it, with appreciation.

Even those of us who have never had children can become quasi-Mothers-In-Law, or even more difficult—Step-Parent to HIS grown children, and by the same extension, in-law to the married offspring of your spouse.

Here’s the drill…. If you enter an adult relationship with a man who is divorced, he obviously has the requisite ex-wife.  He generally also has adult children—particularly if you “hook up” at a certain age—his not yours—like, say 50 years old.  So, if you are a reasonably self-confident, highly energized, successful professional woman who never had kids, you are not an immediate candidate for step-whatever with his grown kids.
You instinctively know you do not want to be a surrogate mother, no matter what flaws you may hear about the ex.  You might assume that because you are energetic, smart, successful, independent (did I include gorgeous??) and all those other attributes that got you the professional success you enjoy—well, his grown kids will instantly gravitate to you, admire you, take whatever pearls fall from your mouth, and generally follow you like adoring disciples.  YOU WOULD BE WRONG.
So, instead of acting like an idiot, read “The Mother-In-Law Manual”, and just substitute “step” for “in law”.  Let me explain.

George is the love of my life.  But, his adult children have always posed a challenge for me, particularly his daughter.  I failed the “Ten Commandments” rule in the first few months, and did NOT “Keep my mouth shut”.  Oddly enough, I thought his daughter really wanted my advice when she asked for it.  It took years before I understood two critical facts:
1.       She didn’t want a CONTRARY opinion—she just wanted reinforcement for HER opinion, and
2.       Her mental state was far, far more fragile than her outward bravado led me to believe.
My list of issues with the daughter is long and seems incredibly insignificant when I recount the sticking points.  She is disrespectful—what 30-something isn’t, at some point?  She makes bad life decisions—no duh!  Perhaps significance begins to intrude when we debate whether dating a married man with two small children is a good or a bad idea—did I mention he is /was her boss?  Oh, and it is NOT permissible to invite the man to our home (her Dad’s and mine) for Christmas. But, all of her issues are just that—they are HER issues.  Somehow, I started making them my issues, particularly as she attempted to drive a wedge between her Father and me.
It is a great sadness that it took me over eight years, and several of them in renewed therapy, to finally resolve this toxic relationship—at least, from my side.  What a gift “The Mother-in-Law Manual” would have been, to help guide me through this troubled time!  I have come to realize that it is not now, and it never was, my job to punish this woman for her incredibly bad behavior towards me.  And, no amount of righteousness on my side will ever erase my shame that I behaved badly, too.  But, a good bit of prayer helped, and a large helping of forgiveness has finally given me peace of mind.  Susan Lieberman quotes the statement, paraphrased, that the height of insanity is eating poison and expecting the other person to die………  I had to stop eating poison, and start forgiving before I could stop dying from the toxicity I created with this woman.
Perhaps a topic for another edition in this Manual is mastering the art of forgiveness.  Lieberman discusses it, and it is a powerful concept.  And, forgiveness must happen without any expectation of reciprocity.  We only forgive purely when we refuse to look for an answering echo from the person we forgive.  The best forgiveness is anonymous.
So, my relationship with this errant woman/child/step-faux daughter is still evolving.  I’ve forgiven the many real insults and behavior issues I endured (maybe not including the time she tried to punch me in the face, but I’m working on it).  The wisdom required to be a loving Mother-in-law is identical to the character needed to survive “step-dom”.
“The Mother-in-Law Manual” helped me appreciate that there are many layers to understanding adult to grown child relationships.  I am grateful for the wise counsel.