The Mother in-Law’s Manual

From two year’s of interviews with mothers-in-law of all varieties, some themes about what we want have emerged. It is not jewelry or electronics. It’s not even massages or good car mechanics, although that doesn’t sound so bad, does it?  What we most want cannot be wrapped in a box or bought on-line. It doesn’t even cost money. Anyone can provide it, but, as is suggested in the second part of this article, we have to create the conditions that make getting what we want possible.

What We Want

1. TO BE LOVED:  Just as daughters- and sons-in-law want to feel valued and respected, so too do mothersin-law. We all want to feel loved.

2. TO BE INCLUDED:  We don’t want to feel shut out, excluded from the flow of family life. We like having “insider status” and knowing what’s going on with our children and their families. We hate finding out from others.

3. TO HOLD ON TO FAMILIAR TRADITIONS:  We want to hold on to some of the traditions that we nurtured when we were raising our own children and that mean so much to us.

4. TIME ALONE WITH AN ADULT CHILD:  We love, every now and then, to have time with our children. We love seeing them in their families, but sometimes we yearn for the intimacy of just us. Time alone together is sometimes easier to come by with our daughters than our sons, but we want it with both

5. TO UNDERSTAND WHY:  It is hard not to offer advice when that’s been our job for a couple decades. Mothers-in-law appreciate being asked for input. When our advice is not followed, we often feel better knowing why another decision was made. We like to feel we were heard, if not obeyed.

6. TO BE TREATED AS SOMEONE WITH A BRAIN:  We might not have the best ideas but we do have ideas, opinions, thoughts and decades of good experience. It hurts when we are treated as a fuddy-duddy to be tolerated. If children think we can’t give good advice because we don’t have the full picture, well, paint it for us.

7. TO HAVE OUR NEEDS CONSIDERED:  It’s true that young families with busy children, pressured work schedules and complicated lives need for us to flexible. Our lives are usually simpler. But we also have needs, and we like to know that others are aware of them.

8. TO HAVE FUN:  As we age, we are aware that our time is growing shorter. We don’t want to waste it fighting, doing unsatisfying tasks or being with disagreeable people.

How Can We Get What We Want?

1. STOP JUDGING:  We don’t get a vote; we don’t get a veto. Our children get to choose the lives they want to live, and our job is to love them and applaud their accomplishments.

2. REDUCE EXPECTATIONS:  If we don’t expect things will be a certain way, we will not be disappointed when they are some other way. Sometimes, we don’t even know we have expectations, but we do and we feel hurt when they are not met.

3. BE INCLUSIVE:  Include your child’s partner in requests, emails, gifts, conversations. Don’t pretend his or her opinion doesn’t matter. It does.

4. BE FLEXIBLE:  Sometimes we have to let go of the past, of habits and traditions we cherish to accommodate the new. Every beloved tradition was once an untried idea.

5. REMEMBER THAT LOVE IS NOT QUANTITATIVE:  Just when we may have more time in our lives, our children have less. Running a house, raising children, taking care of work, exercising, maintaining friends is a huge load. When our children and their partners don’t have as much time for us as we wish, it is helpful to remember that time is limited but love is infinite.

6. GIVE UP CONTROL:  If we have done a good job raising our children, it is safe to let them go. Even the best of mothers doesn’t get the final word on her children’s choices. Sometimes we don’t even get a word at all. Respecting our adult children enough to trust them to make their own decisions is what they deserve and, by the way, what they want.

7. MOVE FROM SMART TO WISE:  Smart means having good answers, good solutions, good advice. Wise means knowing when our opinions cannot be heard and we need to remain quiet.

8. HAVE FUN:  If we are having fun, it makes us more attractive to those around us. We can’t rely on our children to help us have fun. We need to “get a life” for ourselves and  invite our children to share it.

While writing a book about mothers-in-law, I interviewed scores of women with married children. If every time a woman said to me, “I feel like I’m walking on eggs,” I’d gotten a coupon for a dozen eggs, I could now make egg salad for a battalion.

When talking about my own walking-on-eggs challenges with my older son, he said, “But mom, we are walking on eggs, too.” Since egg-walking is not a skill with much marketplace value nor one likely to provide the stress release of more conventional exercise, what are we all doing?

I think we are walking on eggs to avoid stepping on toes. We are walking on eggs to avoid having to scramble. Reasonable mothers do not want to hurt or offend their children and their spouses. Equally important, they don’t want to be hurt. We are all cautious in talking about what we are thinking and feeling in order to avoid harming and being harmed. The problem is that what we think and feel wants out. The urge to communicate is like the urge to nibble that dessert in the fridge. It can be very loud and insistent and ride right over our supposed good sense.

Mothers know the most basic rule of mother-in-lawing: Keep your mouth shut. This rule goes in the book with all those other valuable bits of advice: Do not eat fats; do not let the small things get to you; do not allow negative thoughts to disturb your equanimity; do not ignore the importance of sleeping eight hours; do not feel guilty for not observing all the shoulds and should nots. You know, all those virtuous impossibilities.

People walking on eggs are not helped by having more eggs. We don’t need more rules. But we do need something to help us develop the loving family relationships almost all mothers and children prefer. What I propose is that we work on adjusting our expectations.

When we expect things will go a certain way and they don’t, we are usually disappointed.  Our first impulse is normally to pin the blame on someone, someone who isn’t us. One of the things we mothers-in-law seem to expect is that we can offer good advice. In fact, I suspect that often, the advice we wish to offer is good. Where we get in trouble is expecting the advice is wanted – or needed.

Look, I think to myself, I’m smart, experienced and have the best interests of these people at heart. Surely, what I have to say is worth hearing. Ah, but that is NOT the point. Because I am saying it, I THE MOTHER, it is heard as louder and more insistent than if someone else said it. And what is heard as well may be an unintended subtext that sounds something like this: I don’t trust you to make your own decisions. You are not smart, wise, mature enough. I know better than you ever will.

What gets me in trouble is not so much my ignoring the rule to keep my mouth shut. It is my expectation that it is reasonable and helpful to offer my two cents. Really, it FEELS reasonable. Shouldn’t intelligent adults be able to discuss things calmly and rationally? The answer is certainly, unless the adults are parent and child or the child’s spouse. Here are some examples that show what I mean.

One 38-year-old mother of two, who strikes me as sensible and grounded, explained how she feels when her mother says the simplest things:

I tell her I’m thinking about interviewing for a part-time job and in her enthusiasm, I hear, “Well, it is about time.” I say I bought a new pair of great     pants, and when she approves I think, “Why does she think I need her approval.”     She doesn’t understand how vulnerable I feel as a mother and a wife, how unsure     I can be about what I’m doing. I both want her approval and hate that it matters.     What I need her to do is say, “Hmmmm … tell me more,” or “Oh, I love     knowing all that’s going on with you.” I want to tell her … but I don’t want     approval, which implies that her opinion should be important to me, or her     disapproval, which is like a punch. I feel crazy telling you this, but it’s true.

On the mother/mother-in-law side, one woman captures the feeling of many when she says:

I am just trying to make small talk and find ways to stay connected, but it seems     no matter what I say, I end up in trouble. I love my children, but I go home from     visits exhausted from holding my breath and weighing my words. This is crazy.

I have come to believe what can help us mothers is a mantra we can repeat to ourselves that goes something like this: My kids will do fine – or they won’t. Unless asked, I can’t help them. My opinions are not useful just now. This is not personal. This is structural. It is true for more families than not. Just listen and nod. Is there something I can cook them for dinner?

When we are lucky, when the stars align, we may work our way towards a place where we can say to each other: “Oops, that didn’t go down right did it?” But focusing on why it didn’t work so well may not be useful. Such conversations often trigger defensiveness. Some people especially dislike conflict. “Really, I don’t like talking about relationships,” one daughter-in-law said. She and her mother-in-law just have to assume they both love each other and move on.” Good advice for us all.

I am learning to stop expecting that my advice, my opinions, my assessments will be heard as the useful, thoughtful, wise words I think they are. Instead, I expect that what my children need is my love and my respect for their ability to manage their own lives. Instead of thinking that it is my job to try and save them from any harm, a job that seems encoded in my DNA, I am trying to remember that that is now their job.

Many mothers-in-law find great pleasure in giving their children and their partners, as well as their grandchildren, great gifts.  The challenge is to decide what gift will, in fact, be great.  Both our sons and their wives live in distant cities and come the holidays and birthdays, I’m not always sure what they can use or what will delight them.  I started asking men and women, “What is the best gift you ever received from your mother-in-law?” If you are interested in their answers…

Enter your email on the left, below the video button, and I’ll mail you my 8 page Gift guide for free!

When you sign in, you will first get email asking you to verify that you are, in fact, you. Do that, and the ideas will come to you.  It would be great if you have ideas to add to the list.  Send them to motherinlaw@lieberman.net and from time to time, I’ll add to the list.

I’m thinking it might be fun to start another list of the best gifts mothers-in-law received from their children and in-laws so if you have been the recipient of a gift that you loved, send that to motherinlawlieberman@lieberman.net as well.

The MOTHER-IN-LAW’S MANUAL is being published by Bright Sky Press which is owned by three smart, kind women. One of them, Ellen Cregan also runs her own graphics design business and she is in charge of cover design. (Check out all her excellent work at http://www.cregandesign.com.)

She has been through many variations and permutations of the cover for this book, and I thought it might be interesting to see the evolution of the cover.  The book distributor weighed in on the design, and it was sales agents at a sales meeting that led to the last redesign.  They are excited about this book and wanted a cover they felt represented the book and would help to sell the book.  We are hoping they are on target.

The first Mother in Law Manual cover design

The Second Mother in Law Manual cover design

The Third and Final Mother in Law Manual cover design

There has been  a back and forth on the title as well.  We started with THE MOTHER-IN-LAW’S CHALLENGE . Then the publishers suggested we change out CHALLENGE for MANUAL.  That word, manual, made me a bit nervous because THE MOTHER-IN-LAW MANUAL doesn’t do what many manuals do — there are not clear step by step instructions. Rather, the book explores the challenges that many mothers-in-law find themselves facing and suggests ways of approaching these challenges so that both we, the mothers-in-law and “they,” our children and their spouses can find satisfaction and pleasure.  We changed back to Challenge but, in the end, the booksellers asked to have Manual back…and Manual it now is.  So yes, this is a MANUAL, but it is a MANUAL of possibilities, a MANUAL of challenges, a MANUAL of our best hopes.  Would that it could be as simple as take out the large wrench, turn twice counter clockwise and spit to the east.

BOOK CALLED THE MOTHER-in-LAW’S MANUAL?

Our children are grown.  Independent.   Solvent.  Drug Free.  Indeed, they are now married and buying houses.  My parenting problems, I thought, were DONE.

Who knew that there was an entire new learning curve waiting just around the corner—this mother-in-law manual?

When the children were growing up, I took advantage of all the parenting books that gave me good advice, insights and compassion.  Reading and talking with other mothers helped me re-frame my perspectives and try more effective strategies.  But when I went looking for help in being a great mother-in-law, I found that, mostly, mothers-in-law are treated as jokes or toxic terrors.  I’m no joke nor am I toxic!

The MOTHER-IN-LAW’S MANUAL was written to offer the wisdom, insights and shared experiences I needed for myself and, in interviewing, found other women wanting as well.  Women all over the country shared their hopes, their disappointments, their frustrations and their learning. It was such a joy to have these conversations and in the listening and the writing, there was, for me, so much learning.

POINT OF VIEW

When the children were growing up, their unhappiness seemed very much my problem.

It would be convenient now to make my happiness my children’s problem, but there is no turn-about-is-fair-play here.  Being a good mother-in-law is my work to do just as being a good mother was my work.  The problem seems to be that I am not the only one who gets to define what a “good” mother-in-law is, and what they think matters more than what I think.

After a year of interviews, I believe the place to begin unraveling the mother-in-law challenge is in understanding expectations.

The second chapter of THE MOTHER-in-LAW’S MANUAL is all about expectations. I don’t think there are rules for mothers-in-law. We are all different, and our children and their partners are different, but seven mother-in-law maxims came into focus as I talked with all sorts of mothers and mothers-in law.  These are explored in chapter three.

THE MOTHER-in-LAW’S MANUAL will be available in
May, 2009.

WHO will enjoy this book?

Is your child getting married?  This book is for you.
Do you struggle with your son or daughter’s spouse?  This book is for you?
Want to be happier connecting to your married children?  This book is for     you.
Think things are okay but want them better?  This book is for you.
See many middle aged women in your therapy practice?  This book is for you.
Do you marry young people and work with families?  This book is for you.
Have friends whose married children make them miserable?  This book is for them.
Know women who need to relax with their married children?  This book is for them.
Have a mom you love and want her to love your spouse?  This book is for her.
Want to know how your mother-in-law feels?  This book is for you.
Are you a comedian who tells MIL jokes?  I’m throwing this book at you.

This is a great gift for mother’s day with a note that says, “We are glad you are ours.”  It
s it perfect for sons about to marry to gift to their moms or for husbands to share with their anxious wives.

If you are interested in receiving a note when the book is just released, send email to motherinlaw@lieberman.net and we’ll put you on the early notification list.

LAUGH, LEARN and EARN

If you want to help your organization earn some money by offering THE MOTHER-in-LAW MANUAL to your members, we’d love to help you.  Send us email  at motherinlaw@lieberman.com.  Bright Sky Press would be pleased to work with you and, perhaps, to arrange to have Susan Lieberman speak with your members.

THE MOTHER-IN-LAW’S MANUAL: Creating Relationships That Work for Ourselves and Our Children is being published by Bright Sky Press for release in May, 2009.

Mothers-in-law are too often portrayed as jokes or toxic elements in the family.  I am not a joke nor am I toxic, and this is true for most mother-in-laws.  Just as we wanted to be good mothers, most women want to be good mothers-in-law.  Sometimes, raising kids, we needed a new perspective, a dose of healthy advice or just a serving of sympathy to help us in the moment.  THE MOTHER-IN-LAW’S MANUAL provides all that for those of facing this last stage of parenting.

You can read the first chapter online.

Mothers-in-law are defined by their children and their partners.  Often daughters-in-law have sharp words for their mothers-in-law.  Here are some of the complaints and some different ways of thinking about those complaints if you are a daughter-in-law.  If you are a mother-in-law, you will want the book.

My Mother in-Law Never Thinks I am Good Enough
We want our mother-in-law to think we are terrific. With that mind set, we start looking, consciously or unconsciously, for criticism. Look hard enough and it is easy to find. Stop looking. Decide you can only hear compliments. Look for them and repeat them. If you mother-in-law can’t find anything nice to say, understand it is about her and NOT about you.

My Mother in-law is Always Meddling in my Life
We don’t want our mother in-law to interfere in our life, but don’t confuse a mother-in-law’s opinion with interference. Because your MIL thinks you should or shouldn’t work, should or shouldn’t iron, cook or exercise doesn’t mean you need to do it or even feel judged. Respect her right to her opinions, and then respect your right to live the life you want and just live it and never mind that you see the world differently.

Mothers in-law Say the Dumbest (or Meanest) Things.
If you find something hurtful, be a reporter and report, without emotion, “Gee, that feels hurtful.” If you disagree and don’t want to let it go, just note, “I don’t see things that way so we will have to disagree.” You don’t have to win any argument. You just have to live the life you want with pleasure, and that comes from you.

As wives, we want a happy, satisfying relationship for both of ourselves and our spouses and, if we have children, to bring them up to be good and productive people. If we are happy, it is easier to do this work. If we are not fighting with our in-laws or our own parents, we are happier and, usually, our spouse is happier. It is an interesting challenge to figure out how to build a good relationship, but if we are fixed on that as our intention, the odds of success go up.

Some of us have crazy or toxic in-laws but most of us are dealing with normal people whose behaviors we see through our own filters. If they are making us crazy, it can help to put on different filters.

Change the Mother-in-Law Filter

Changing the filter actually works equally well for both mothers in-laws and for daughters in-laws.

Favorite Filter #1:
I want to be liked and admired by mother in-law. Why doesn’t she like and or admire me? Let me find the ways….

Change the Filter:
My MIL wants to be adored and respected by me. What can I find about her that I genuinely like?

Favorite Filter #2:
Why doesn’t my mother in-law pay more attention to my needs?

Change the Filter:
How can I help my mother in-law understand and value what I need?

Favorite Filer #3:
My mother in-law demands too much time, attention or affection…

Change the Filter:
How can I establish boundaries that are fair for all of us?

…..

Have other thoughts to add.  Send them on:  motherinlaw@lieberman.net