MOTHERS AND SONS
I had coffee recently with one of my coaching clients, a capable, thoughtful guy in his forties. He was debating two job offers and needed a sounding board. When he described the first choice, his voice was full of energy and excitement. When he described the second, he was flat and negative. Regrettably, the first job required moving to another city but as soon as he came to grips with that, the decision was easy.
So we segued into discussing his mother. Seems his mother and his wife have a prickly relationship. The mother, perhaps, is not a gentle soul, but it seems his smart, perfectionist wife has set herself up to look for criticism and fault in every mother-in-law word. I’m guessing, from the story, that the wife’s drive for perfection brings out the devil in the mother-in-law…she looks for the fault. And the wife hears a tiny correction as the rejection of her, completely and totally. Oh, we are ALL SO NUTS.
What interested me most in this story is the pain this man feels because of the family conflict. He sticks up for his wife, whom he adores, yet in this dyad, he thinks his wife is more in error than his mother. He keeps his mother at a distance to avoid tension but this distancing takes an emotional toll on him he doesn’t discuss with this wife or his mother. He just carries it and feels saddened by it.
I heard a similar story from a man in his fifties on a plane. Wife and mother clash. Mother stays away. Guy takes care of his wife. Guy feels loss of relationship with this mom and never discusses this with this wife.
When we marry our husbands, they are ours. But they often have a bond with their mothers, and when marriage makes that bond awkward, there is pain. It is. I believe, primarily our responsibility as mothers of adults to take care of making sure we have good family relationships with our children and their partners, but I do wish daughters-in-law and sons-in-law as well could hear comments as, well, just comments not judgments, criticisms, indictments.
It seems to me a mark of confidence and maturity when a mother-in-law can, for example, do something as foolish as saying, “Gee, the house is messy,” and her daughter-in-law can look around and say, “Hmmmm, I guess it is,” or “Gee, it doesn’t feel so messy to me,” or “Want to help me pick up?” And move on – because it makes so much more sense than letting it be “an issue.”
Keep the house however you wish. You do not need someone else’s approval nor her grade. Be confident and secure enough to organize your life in ways that work for you and your family and recognize it won’t suit everyone. Don’t let a mother-in-law’s foolish judgments become weapons that keep good husbands from maintaining healthy relationships with their mothers. There is no win in this for anyone.
Comments
Comment from susan
Time June 6, 2009 at 9:34 am
In reply to Sarah who commented on this.
Sarah, I read your post on my website. You took issue with my suggestion that a young woman try to tune her MIL out and not hear her comments as personal. You wrote, “My house is just that, MY HOUSE. And my mother-in-law better keep her mouth shut and opinions to herself if she expects to be invited back and welcomed.”
Of course, it is your house. And of course, you need not invite your mother-in-law back…but there are repercussions from such a hard stance– for your spouse and your children and even you. It is the most desirable when a mother or mother-in-law is able to pick up on what her children and their partners are able to discuss and what is off bounds for them, but all mothers are not so wise or so able. My position is that if you husband’s mother has this difficulty, rather than forcing a disagreeable confrontation that can put your spouse in the middle, you, the daughter-in-law, becomes the wiser, saner, more skillful woman. Yes, some mothers/mothers-in-law are so intrusive and so difficult that they are hard to have around. But many women are trying, as best they know how, to feel relevant, stay connected to their child, be seen as “real people.” How they do it is often poorly executed…but a little compassion is useful.
Comment from Ann
Time September 23, 2009 at 12:47 pm
I heard you on the radio with Gayle King today and I loved your segment with her. I wanted to share something with you and hopefully get your comments.
My husband told me when we first started dating that his mother wouldn’t like anyone he married (he later told me he was sorry for doing that). When we got engaged and went to visit them (two states away) for the first time, his mother arranged a family photo session to get a picture because “this is the last time we’ll be a family, just the five of us.” While they went out to get their pictures taken together, I stayed at their house by myself because I wasn’t invited to be in any of them. That hurt, but I suppose maybe she would have done that to anyone he was marrying.
Still, it’s been 21 years, and there is a laundry list of hurtful comments and bullying to get her way with both my husband and myself. I’m getting tired of letting things go and stepping on my own feelings and personality to keep peace when we’re around his parents. I am to the point where I feel like they don’t even know me because I don’t act like myself when I’m around them because I feel they won’t like it. It’s hard for me since I have a very adult relationship with the people in my family, but I feel like his parents treat us like children. By that I mean they have an air of entitlement that they “out-rank” us and can bully us into doing what they want.
My husband taught himself a long time ago to emotionally shut out these kinds of episodes, so I have a harder time than he does when they happen. I did have an altercation with his mom once, and my husband definitely stuck up for me. I still felt guilty for not being the “bigger” person to just suck up her nastiness and let it go. I told her I didn’t think she should talk to me the way she was and that I thought she was being rude. She was furious, and his father said, “Young ladies shouldn’t talk to their mother-in-laws that way.” I just live waiting for the next contact with them and hoping I can get through it. It’s not fun.
Thanks for the blog. It’s nice to read the comments from other people.
Comment from susan
Time September 29, 2009 at 2:34 pm
Oh Ann, this is NOT good and I am so sorry for both you and your husband. So, here is what comes to mind…after 21 years, I think you have earned a vacation from this kind of cruel and inconsiderate behavior. If you are telling the WHOLE story — and somehow my instinct is that you are — you happen to be stuck with one of those MILs who doesn’t merit much effort. Since your husband still wishes to stay connected to his family — which is understandable — I think it is his work to do. If you go to visit them, maybe you need to go to a spa with the girls the next time he visits. If they come to visit you, then my belief is that you must open your home to his parents but he must take on the responsibility of entertaining them and planning the “program.” If you can afford it, he might suggest they would be more comfortable in a local hotel, book them in and pick up the tab. If not, pretend you have been invaded by aliens from outer space, not family.
Have NO expectations that these people will be nice to you or even polite. You be the person you want to be — but don’t expect any thanks or any notice. Just do it for yourself, not for them. This is VERY HARD advice, but if you can, don’t let this woman get to you because as you explain it, this is NOT about you but about HER and you cannot change her.
It may be time for your husband to have a personal chat with his parents, but there is a good chance he can’t do it…won’t feel comfortable…will move away from the conflict. Okay, let it go, let it go, let it go. Do NOT let such behavior get you down or undermine your self confidence. You are the “bigger person” in that you have not walloped her with a pork chop already. Would you consider living for the next massage rather than the next contact with these charmers? susan lieberman
Comment from Sarah
Time June 5, 2009 at 12:32 pm
I whole-heartedly disagree! My house is just that, MY HOUSE. And my mother-in-law better keep her mouth shut and opinions to herself if she expects to be invited back and welcomed.