The Mother in-Law’s Manual

Sundra Croonquist is a comedian who finds her mother-in-law as well as others in her husband’s family a source for cutting jokes.  After fifteen years of these jokes, her mother-in-law, Ruth Zefrin, Zefrin’s husband and their daughter have sued Croonquist for spreading false, defamatory and racist lies.

I know many mothers-in-law would like to tell their own children and their partners how much and how often they are hurt by them — but would you do this?

I’m thinking that Croomquist must have the empathy of rock on this issue.  I can easily understand how painful and humiliating the constant public jokes must be.  But the response is a hand grenade, likely to blow up the family permanently.  It may be that Croomquist doesn’t think this too high a price to pay…but what makes a mother willing to rupture so deeply her relationship with her son and his children?  Maybe there comes a moment when we just can’t stand the painfulness of the relationship any more…but life always unfolds and unfolds.  We never know where we will find ourselves next year or many years down the calendar.

I understand the anger.  I appreciate the the desire to say ENOUGH (maybe a desire on all sides) but I am having trouble believing that a public court battle is the best strategy.  By the time Croomquist is old enough to be a mother-in-law herself and have some greater wisdom on this, there is a good chance her mother-in-law will be unavailable for an apology.  And my hunch is that, one day, an apology might seem like a better idea than it does now.

And there is something else I don’t see mentioned in the press at all.  Why aren’t we talking as well about Ms. Croonquist’s husband, Ruth and Neil Zafrin’s son?  Was this son oblivious to his mother’s distress?  Did he think it was okay for his wife to have his mother feel humiliated and distressed?  Is he willing to have his children be cut off from their grandparents for the price of some comedy club laughs?  It’s easy to blame Croonquist, who puts laughter before loving, and perhaps his parents who may have been less than tactful in the presence of a very strong personality…but what role is this son playing? We are so quick to point a finger at the new addition, the “Other,” whom we see as a corrupting influence and ignore the role our own adult children play in what goes on.