Comments for The Mother in-Law's Manual http://motherinlawsmanual.com Tools for Creating Relationships That Work for Ourselves and Our Children Thu, 11 Mar 2010 02:21:18 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.6.1 Comment on MOTHER-IN-LAW SUES COMEDIAN by Brown http://motherinlawsmanual.com/mother-n-law-sues-comedian/#comment-2045 Brown Wed, 04 Nov 2009 10:43:31 +0000 http://motherinlawsmanual.com/?p=236#comment-2045 In truth, immediately i didn't understand the essence. But after re-reading all at once became clear. In truth, immediately i didn’t understand the essence. But after re-reading all at once became clear.

]]> Comment on THE BOOKS ARE HERE! by susan http://motherinlawsmanual.com/the-books-are-here/#comment-1662 susan Tue, 29 Sep 2009 21:36:30 +0000 http://motherinlawsmanual.com/?p=187#comment-1662 Oh dear. I read your note about your son and daughter-in-law and the leg of lamb...and I could feel the pain through the computer. As you know, this is NOT about a leg of lamb. Is there any way you can sit down calmly and privately with your son and ask him to help you understand better what is going on and how you all can find a way to a harmonious relationship? Do you have a husband who can help with this? There are, it seems at a distance, some complicated dynamics going on here and maybe you don't "get" what is eating the children...but something, as you so well know, is off. I am sure you feel hurt and angry. One thing I have learned is those emotions never help me make progress. I have to let the hurt go and focus on what I can do to make things better. Sometimes, really, we can't make it better...but trying is always a good idea. Good luck with this. Warmly, Susan Lieberman Oh dear. I read your note about your son and daughter-in-law and the leg of lamb…and I could feel the pain through the computer. As you know, this is NOT about a leg of lamb. Is there any way you can sit down calmly and privately with your son and ask him to help you understand better what is going on and how you all can find a way to a harmonious relationship? Do you have a husband who can help with this? There are, it seems at a distance, some complicated dynamics going on here and maybe you don’t “get” what is eating the children…but something, as you so well know, is off.

I am sure you feel hurt and angry. One thing I have learned is those emotions never help me make progress. I have to let the hurt go and focus on what I can do to make things better. Sometimes, really, we can’t make it better…but trying is always a good idea. Good luck with this. Warmly, Susan Lieberman

]]> Comment on MOTHERS AND SONS by susan http://motherinlawsmanual.com/mothers-and-sons/#comment-1661 susan Tue, 29 Sep 2009 21:34:13 +0000 http://motherinlawsmanual.com/mothers-and-sons/#comment-1661 Oh Ann, this is NOT good and I am so sorry for both you and your husband. So, here is what comes to mind...after 21 years, I think you have earned a vacation from this kind of cruel and inconsiderate behavior. If you are telling the WHOLE story -- and somehow my instinct is that you are -- you happen to be stuck with one of those MILs who doesn't merit much effort. Since your husband still wishes to stay connected to his family -- which is understandable -- I think it is his work to do. If you go to visit them, maybe you need to go to a spa with the girls the next time he visits. If they come to visit you, then my belief is that you must open your home to his parents but he must take on the responsibility of entertaining them and planning the "program." If you can afford it, he might suggest they would be more comfortable in a local hotel, book them in and pick up the tab. If not, pretend you have been invaded by aliens from outer space, not family. Have NO expectations that these people will be nice to you or even polite. You be the person you want to be -- but don't expect any thanks or any notice. Just do it for yourself, not for them. This is VERY HARD advice, but if you can, don't let this woman get to you because as you explain it, this is NOT about you but about HER and you cannot change her. It may be time for your husband to have a personal chat with his parents, but there is a good chance he can't do it...won't feel comfortable...will move away from the conflict. Okay, let it go, let it go, let it go. Do NOT let such behavior get you down or undermine your self confidence. You are the "bigger person" in that you have not walloped her with a pork chop already. Would you consider living for the next massage rather than the next contact with these charmers? susan lieberman Oh Ann, this is NOT good and I am so sorry for both you and your husband. So, here is what comes to mind…after 21 years, I think you have earned a vacation from this kind of cruel and inconsiderate behavior. If you are telling the WHOLE story — and somehow my instinct is that you are — you happen to be stuck with one of those MILs who doesn’t merit much effort. Since your husband still wishes to stay connected to his family — which is understandable — I think it is his work to do. If you go to visit them, maybe you need to go to a spa with the girls the next time he visits. If they come to visit you, then my belief is that you must open your home to his parents but he must take on the responsibility of entertaining them and planning the “program.” If you can afford it, he might suggest they would be more comfortable in a local hotel, book them in and pick up the tab. If not, pretend you have been invaded by aliens from outer space, not family.
Have NO expectations that these people will be nice to you or even polite. You be the person you want to be — but don’t expect any thanks or any notice. Just do it for yourself, not for them. This is VERY HARD advice, but if you can, don’t let this woman get to you because as you explain it, this is NOT about you but about HER and you cannot change her.

It may be time for your husband to have a personal chat with his parents, but there is a good chance he can’t do it…won’t feel comfortable…will move away from the conflict. Okay, let it go, let it go, let it go. Do NOT let such behavior get you down or undermine your self confidence. You are the “bigger person” in that you have not walloped her with a pork chop already. Would you consider living for the next massage rather than the next contact with these charmers? susan lieberman

]]> Comment on MOTHER-IN-LAW SUES COMEDIAN by susan http://motherinlawsmanual.com/mother-n-law-sues-comedian/#comment-1660 susan Tue, 29 Sep 2009 21:23:41 +0000 http://motherinlawsmanual.com/?p=236#comment-1660 First, no more than you can comfortably afford. Second, it isn't required that you give money. You may send a gift if you prefer. Third, what is "appropriate" differs in different communities, by age and by relationship to the bride and groom. So while I can't suggest what seems like a "correct" amount, I can say that if the bride and groom are people you love and who love you, that you offer than love, support and acceptance is way more important than money and if they value money over that, I'm not sure it matters what they think. First, no more than you can comfortably afford. Second, it isn’t required that you give money. You may send a gift if you prefer. Third, what is “appropriate” differs in different communities, by age and by relationship to the bride and groom. So while I can’t suggest what seems like a “correct” amount, I can say that if the bride and groom are people you love and who love you, that you offer than love, support and acceptance is way more important than money and if they value money over that, I’m not sure it matters what they think.

]]> Comment on About the Author by susan http://motherinlawsmanual.com/about-the-author/#comment-1659 susan Tue, 29 Sep 2009 21:21:19 +0000 http://motherinlawsmanual.com/?page_id=16#comment-1659 Amy, oh my, thank you so much. That you feel what I've written has helped you and can help others is the highest and best compliment. This stuff turns out to be harder than we thought, doesn't it? I'm going to be doing a book signing at NIMA'S, a dress shop with dressy things on Westheimer a bit east of Weslayan from 1-3 on Oct. 23 and I'm talking at the Braeburn Country Club at lunch on Nov. 10 and if you are part of a group of women, I would be pleased to come chat with all of you. I love hearing from women with your perspective...you are my daughters-in-law. And welcome to Houston. I came 20 years ago -- under duress -- and I have loved living here and hope you will as well. susan lieberman Amy, oh my, thank you so much. That you feel what I’ve written has helped you and can help others is the highest and best compliment. This stuff turns out to be harder than we thought, doesn’t it? I’m going to be doing a book signing at NIMA’S, a dress shop with dressy things on Westheimer a bit east of Weslayan from 1-3 on Oct. 23 and I’m talking at the Braeburn Country Club at lunch on Nov. 10 and if you are part of a group of women, I would be pleased to come chat with all of you. I love hearing from women with your perspective…you are my daughters-in-law.

And welcome to Houston. I came 20 years ago — under duress — and I have loved living here and hope you will as well. susan lieberman

]]> Comment on MOTHER-IN-LAW SUES COMEDIAN by yourbig.ru http://motherinlawsmanual.com/mother-n-law-sues-comedian/#comment-1645 yourbig.ru Mon, 28 Sep 2009 13:11:52 +0000 http://motherinlawsmanual.com/?p=236#comment-1645 How much money should each person give for a monetary wedding gift? How much money should each person give for a monetary wedding gift?

]]> Comment on THE BOOKS ARE HERE! by Rose P http://motherinlawsmanual.com/the-books-are-here/#comment-1598 Rose P Thu, 24 Sep 2009 15:05:48 +0000 http://motherinlawsmanual.com/?p=187#comment-1598 My relationship with my daughterinlaw is very very strained, Son & daughterinlaw are married 14 yrs. they have 3 children The last incident, my Son said gee mom it would really be nice if AM had a great leg of lamb dinner. so when i was with AM in supermarket i said AM would you like to pick the leg of lamb or should i AM turned and walked away. two days later she said what makes you think you are responsible to make a meal in my house. i had no response. i didn't think to tell her her husband wanted her to have a leg of lamb dinner. then her husband banned me from comming into their kitchen at all. unable to even make a cup of tea. let me add we travel 11 hours to visit them we will now stay in a motel we have stayed in a motel 4 yrs ago only to have her say oh please stay at the house we really want you too. then the leg of lamb incident happened they invite us then show anger & hostility. last april i sat with AM and listened to her criticize me for 1 hour i apoligized My relationship with my daughterinlaw is very very strained, Son & daughterinlaw are married 14 yrs. they have 3 children
The last incident, my Son said gee mom it would really be nice if AM had a great leg of lamb dinner. so when i was with AM in supermarket i said AM would you like to pick the leg of lamb or should i AM turned and walked away.
two days later she said what makes you think you are responsible to make a meal in my house. i had no response. i didn’t think to tell her her husband wanted her to have a leg of lamb dinner. then her husband banned me from comming into their kitchen at all. unable to even make a cup of tea. let me add we travel 11 hours to visit them we will now stay in a motel we have stayed in a motel 4 yrs ago only to have her say oh please stay at the house we really want you too.
then the leg of lamb incident happened they invite us then show anger & hostility. last april i sat with AM and listened to her criticize me for 1 hour i apoligized

]]> Comment on MOTHERS AND SONS by Ann http://motherinlawsmanual.com/mothers-and-sons/#comment-1588 Ann Wed, 23 Sep 2009 19:47:19 +0000 http://motherinlawsmanual.com/mothers-and-sons/#comment-1588 I heard you on the radio with Gayle King today and I loved your segment with her. I wanted to share something with you and hopefully get your comments. My husband told me when we first started dating that his mother wouldn't like anyone he married (he later told me he was sorry for doing that). When we got engaged and went to visit them (two states away) for the first time, his mother arranged a family photo session to get a picture because "this is the last time we'll be a family, just the five of us." While they went out to get their pictures taken together, I stayed at their house by myself because I wasn't invited to be in any of them. That hurt, but I suppose maybe she would have done that to anyone he was marrying. Still, it's been 21 years, and there is a laundry list of hurtful comments and bullying to get her way with both my husband and myself. I'm getting tired of letting things go and stepping on my own feelings and personality to keep peace when we're around his parents. I am to the point where I feel like they don't even know me because I don't act like myself when I'm around them because I feel they won't like it. It's hard for me since I have a very adult relationship with the people in my family, but I feel like his parents treat us like children. By that I mean they have an air of entitlement that they "out-rank" us and can bully us into doing what they want. My husband taught himself a long time ago to emotionally shut out these kinds of episodes, so I have a harder time than he does when they happen. I did have an altercation with his mom once, and my husband definitely stuck up for me. I still felt guilty for not being the "bigger" person to just suck up her nastiness and let it go. I told her I didn't think she should talk to me the way she was and that I thought she was being rude. She was furious, and his father said, "Young ladies shouldn't talk to their mother-in-laws that way." I just live waiting for the next contact with them and hoping I can get through it. It's not fun. Thanks for the blog. It's nice to read the comments from other people. I heard you on the radio with Gayle King today and I loved your segment with her. I wanted to share something with you and hopefully get your comments.

My husband told me when we first started dating that his mother wouldn’t like anyone he married (he later told me he was sorry for doing that). When we got engaged and went to visit them (two states away) for the first time, his mother arranged a family photo session to get a picture because “this is the last time we’ll be a family, just the five of us.” While they went out to get their pictures taken together, I stayed at their house by myself because I wasn’t invited to be in any of them. That hurt, but I suppose maybe she would have done that to anyone he was marrying.

Still, it’s been 21 years, and there is a laundry list of hurtful comments and bullying to get her way with both my husband and myself. I’m getting tired of letting things go and stepping on my own feelings and personality to keep peace when we’re around his parents. I am to the point where I feel like they don’t even know me because I don’t act like myself when I’m around them because I feel they won’t like it. It’s hard for me since I have a very adult relationship with the people in my family, but I feel like his parents treat us like children. By that I mean they have an air of entitlement that they “out-rank” us and can bully us into doing what they want.

My husband taught himself a long time ago to emotionally shut out these kinds of episodes, so I have a harder time than he does when they happen. I did have an altercation with his mom once, and my husband definitely stuck up for me. I still felt guilty for not being the “bigger” person to just suck up her nastiness and let it go. I told her I didn’t think she should talk to me the way she was and that I thought she was being rude. She was furious, and his father said, “Young ladies shouldn’t talk to their mother-in-laws that way.” I just live waiting for the next contact with them and hoping I can get through it. It’s not fun.

Thanks for the blog. It’s nice to read the comments from other people.

]]> Comment on About the Author by Amy Loar http://motherinlawsmanual.com/about-the-author/#comment-1491 Amy Loar Mon, 14 Sep 2009 20:13:03 +0000 http://motherinlawsmanual.com/?page_id=16#comment-1491 Dr Susan, thanks so much for writing this book! I ordered it for my mother and my mother-in-law and gave it to them the week I got married, July 12, 2009. As a new-to-Houston newlywed in an interfaith marriage (I am a Christian and my husband is Jewish) I learned a lot by reading it myself. I have also recommended it to many people and plan on ordering more to give to my extended family members who are mothers in law this holiday season. I would love to learn more about what you do and your experiences here in Houston. Is it possible to get on a mailing list or anything like that for events where you are going to be speaking? Thanks, Amy Loar Dr Susan, thanks so much for writing this book! I ordered it for my mother and my mother-in-law and gave it to them the week I got married, July 12, 2009. As a new-to-Houston newlywed in an interfaith marriage (I am a Christian and my husband is Jewish) I learned a lot by reading it myself. I have also recommended it to many people and plan on ordering more to give to my extended family members who are mothers in law this holiday season.

I would love to learn more about what you do and your experiences here in Houston. Is it possible to get on a mailing list or anything like that for events where you are going to be speaking?

Thanks, Amy Loar

]]> Comment on Chapter 1 - Dr. Spock, I Still Need You by Em http://motherinlawsmanual.com/chapter-1-dr-spock-i-still-need-you/#comment-1204 Em Sat, 22 Aug 2009 22:28:19 +0000 http://www.motherinlawsmanual.com/?page_id=26#comment-1204 Does your book address the relationship between the families of the husband and wife? Has anyone dealt with tension caused by the marrierd couple spending much time with the husbands family but little time with the wifes...or vice versa? Does your book address the relationship between the families of the husband and wife? Has anyone dealt with tension caused by the marrierd couple spending much time with the husbands family but little time with the wifes…or vice versa?

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