The Mother in-Law’s Manual

When Barack Obama promised change was on the way, I was interested, but I was amazed to find that this change was so broad as to include the way we talk about mothers-in-law.

Along with everything else President Obama brings to the White House, he brought Marian Robinson, his beloved and respected mother-in-law.  Their relationship does not include the bad jokes and toxic complaints that define the mother-in-law conversation.   It models a new way of publicly speaking – and thinking –about mothers-in-law.

Is it possible that the President’s YES WE CAN promise scales all the way down to the very intimate level of family?  In so many families, there is tension between mothers, mothers-in-law, married adult children and their partners.  If we hope to reduce tensions among religions, ethnic groups and nations, might we not practice right at home?

In her inaugural poem, Elizabeth Alexander said:

“What if the mightiest word is love…love with no need to preempt grievance.”

If we want peace and understanding in the middle east, a cessation of tribal warfare in Afghanistan, a coming together of factions in Iraq, could we warm up in our kitchens? Can we, as Alexander says in her poem, engage in

“The figuring it out at the kitchen tables.”

There is no win when mothers-in-law are belittled rather than beloved. Mothers don’t win and married children don’t win and grandchildren certainly don’t win.  Once more, Alexander’s poem offers a direction:

“We encounter each other in words. Word spiny or smooth, whispered or declaimed; Words to                        consider, reconsider.”

Let’s look for the words, look for the wisdom, that allows us to find harmony.  It may seem difficult.  Sometimes, it may seem impossible, but if we hold to the intention to love, if we commit to focus harder on loving than disapproving, if we talk about it and think about it and insist that we want and need it…maybe…maybe…we can find that our own change is on the way.