The Mother in-Law’s Manual

Sundra Croonquist is a comedian who finds her mother-in-law as well as others in her husband’s family a source for cutting jokes.  After fifteen years of these jokes, her mother-in-law, Ruth Zefrin, Zefrin’s husband and their daughter have sued Croonquist for spreading false, defamatory and racist lies.

I know many mothers-in-law would like to tell their own children and their partners how much and how often they are hurt by them — but would you do this?

I’m thinking that Croomquist must have the empathy of rock on this issue.  I can easily understand how painful and humiliating the constant public jokes must be.  But the response is a hand grenade, likely to blow up the family permanently.  It may be that Croomquist doesn’t think this too high a price to pay…but what makes a mother willing to rupture so deeply her relationship with her son and his children?  Maybe there comes a moment when we just can’t stand the painfulness of the relationship any more…but life always unfolds and unfolds.  We never know where we will find ourselves next year or many years down the calendar.

I understand the anger.  I appreciate the the desire to say ENOUGH (maybe a desire on all sides) but I am having trouble believing that a public court battle is the best strategy.  By the time Croomquist is old enough to be a mother-in-law herself and have some greater wisdom on this, there is a good chance her mother-in-law will be unavailable for an apology.  And my hunch is that, one day, an apology might seem like a better idea than it does now.

And there is something else I don’t see mentioned in the press at all.  Why aren’t we talking as well about Ms. Croonquist’s husband, Ruth and Neil Zafrin’s son?  Was this son oblivious to his mother’s distress?  Did he think it was okay for his wife to have his mother feel humiliated and distressed?  Is he willing to have his children be cut off from their grandparents for the price of some comedy club laughs?  It’s easy to blame Croonquist, who puts laughter before loving, and perhaps his parents who may have been less than tactful in the presence of a very strong personality…but what role is this son playing? We are so quick to point a finger at the new addition, the “Other,” whom we see as a corrupting influence and ignore the role our own adult children play in what goes on.

NOTE:  This essay came to me by email from a woman who sees parallels between “In-Law” status and “Step-Parent” status with adult children.  I’m posting it just as I received it, with appreciation.

Even those of us who have never had children can become quasi-Mothers-In-Law, or even more difficult—Step-Parent to HIS grown children, and by the same extension, in-law to the married offspring of your spouse.

Here’s the drill…. If you enter an adult relationship with a man who is divorced, he obviously has the requisite ex-wife.  He generally also has adult children—particularly if you “hook up” at a certain age—his not yours—like, say 50 years old.  So, if you are a reasonably self-confident, highly energized, successful professional woman who never had kids, you are not an immediate candidate for step-whatever with his grown kids.
You instinctively know you do not want to be a surrogate mother, no matter what flaws you may hear about the ex.  You might assume that because you are energetic, smart, successful, independent (did I include gorgeous??) and all those other attributes that got you the professional success you enjoy—well, his grown kids will instantly gravitate to you, admire you, take whatever pearls fall from your mouth, and generally follow you like adoring disciples.  YOU WOULD BE WRONG.
So, instead of acting like an idiot, read “The Mother-In-Law Manual”, and just substitute “step” for “in law”.  Let me explain.

George is the love of my life.  But, his adult children have always posed a challenge for me, particularly his daughter.  I failed the “Ten Commandments” rule in the first few months, and did NOT “Keep my mouth shut”.  Oddly enough, I thought his daughter really wanted my advice when she asked for it.  It took years before I understood two critical facts:
1.       She didn’t want a CONTRARY opinion—she just wanted reinforcement for HER opinion, and
2.       Her mental state was far, far more fragile than her outward bravado led me to believe.
My list of issues with the daughter is long and seems incredibly insignificant when I recount the sticking points.  She is disrespectful—what 30-something isn’t, at some point?  She makes bad life decisions—no duh!  Perhaps significance begins to intrude when we debate whether dating a married man with two small children is a good or a bad idea—did I mention he is /was her boss?  Oh, and it is NOT permissible to invite the man to our home (her Dad’s and mine) for Christmas. But, all of her issues are just that—they are HER issues.  Somehow, I started making them my issues, particularly as she attempted to drive a wedge between her Father and me.
It is a great sadness that it took me over eight years, and several of them in renewed therapy, to finally resolve this toxic relationship—at least, from my side.  What a gift “The Mother-in-Law Manual” would have been, to help guide me through this troubled time!  I have come to realize that it is not now, and it never was, my job to punish this woman for her incredibly bad behavior towards me.  And, no amount of righteousness on my side will ever erase my shame that I behaved badly, too.  But, a good bit of prayer helped, and a large helping of forgiveness has finally given me peace of mind.  Susan Lieberman quotes the statement, paraphrased, that the height of insanity is eating poison and expecting the other person to die………  I had to stop eating poison, and start forgiving before I could stop dying from the toxicity I created with this woman.
Perhaps a topic for another edition in this Manual is mastering the art of forgiveness.  Lieberman discusses it, and it is a powerful concept.  And, forgiveness must happen without any expectation of reciprocity.  We only forgive purely when we refuse to look for an answering echo from the person we forgive.  The best forgiveness is anonymous.
So, my relationship with this errant woman/child/step-faux daughter is still evolving.  I’ve forgiven the many real insults and behavior issues I endured (maybe not including the time she tried to punch me in the face, but I’m working on it).  The wisdom required to be a loving Mother-in-law is identical to the character needed to survive “step-dom”.
“The Mother-in-Law Manual” helped me appreciate that there are many layers to understanding adult to grown child relationships.  I am grateful for the wise counsel.

Wow, thank you to all of you who have written such very nice things about THE MOTHER-IN-LAW’S MANUAL.  Most of the people I have heard from are people I know or have met when speaking, which is how they came to the book…but what they are saying goes so far beyond polite.

Thanks to the people I don’t know who have reviewed the book on their websites.  The ones I know about include:
*www.bloggernews.net,
*www.visualseen.net,*
*http://moomettesmagnificents.com/reviews
*http://iemommy.wordpress.com
*www.householdtreasuresblog.com
And thanks to the people who posted such great reviews on Amazon.

But thanks, as well, to the people who have emailed to say they disagreed with something I have written.  I value those opinions as much as praise, and I have responded to all of them and will respond to you if you want to chat about something in the book.

Here is what I am learning from what people are writing:  So very many of us struggle with how to make family life work.  We want it to work, and we often keep going back into the fray when it doesn’t; but we don’t like the conflict, the friction, the unhappiness.

We are quick to blame others because we KNOW our intentions are good – and usually they are.  But we are more likely to see our point of view as right and another’s as wrong rather than seeing just difference that grows out of our histories, our degree of emotional maturity and skillfulness, our past hurts and our present pains.  There seems to be words  and thoughts in this book that help people think through where they are and where they want to be with family members, whether or not they are mothers-in-law.  Honestly, that is more than I had hoped for when I wrote the book, but then doesn’t it make sense that if we can manage our role as mother-in-law, if we can figure out what that’s all about, it is probably useful in other family interactions.  I am so honored by the kind words, and so hopeful that now and then I can reduce the friction and conflict and increase the family happiness.

When Barack Obama promised change was on the way, I was interested, but I was amazed to find that this change was so broad as to include the way we talk about mothers-in-law.

Along with everything else President Obama brings to the White House, he brought Marian Robinson, his beloved and respected mother-in-law.  Their relationship does not include the bad jokes and toxic complaints that define the mother-in-law conversation.   It models a new way of publicly speaking – and thinking –about mothers-in-law.

Is it possible that the President’s YES WE CAN promise scales all the way down to the very intimate level of family?  In so many families, there is tension between mothers, mothers-in-law, married adult children and their partners.  If we hope to reduce tensions among religions, ethnic groups and nations, might we not practice right at home?

In her inaugural poem, Elizabeth Alexander said:

“What if the mightiest word is love…love with no need to preempt grievance.”

If we want peace and understanding in the middle east, a cessation of tribal warfare in Afghanistan, a coming together of factions in Iraq, could we warm up in our kitchens? Can we, as Alexander says in her poem, engage in

“The figuring it out at the kitchen tables.”

There is no win when mothers-in-law are belittled rather than beloved. Mothers don’t win and married children don’t win and grandchildren certainly don’t win.  Once more, Alexander’s poem offers a direction:

“We encounter each other in words. Word spiny or smooth, whispered or declaimed; Words to                        consider, reconsider.”

Let’s look for the words, look for the wisdom, that allows us to find harmony.  It may seem difficult.  Sometimes, it may seem impossible, but if we hold to the intention to love, if we commit to focus harder on loving than disapproving, if we talk about it and think about it and insist that we want and need it…maybe…maybe…we can find that our own change is on the way.

Oh my, I need HELP!  I don’t feel so old, even when I go the gym.  But the social networking phenonmenon has got me on the ropes.  I know I’m supposed to be out there letting the world know about THE MOTHER-IN-LAW’S MANUAL and this website by posting comments, twittering, keeping my networks current…and I am completely overwhelmed. I’ve signed up on Cafe Mom and a few other mommy sites.  I’ve joined Facebook, LinkedIn, Plaxo…but how do I use them?  Somehow, sending a message to all my contacts saying,” HEY my great book is here, and I need you to buy it and tell ten friends,” feels, well, pushier than I can yet manage.

It’s very good news that the feedback from people who have read the book is terrific.  But when I get these lovely calls, as I did this morning, from a woman, not even a mother-in-law, who told me how much she liked the book and how valuable it has been for her, I actually feel like weeping because I am so bad at spreading the word and the publisher seems no better. It is no good writing a bad book…but it isn’t much better to write a great book only a few read.

So this is a post asking for HELP.  If you also like the book and you know how to use social networking, I invite your help.  I certainly seem to need it.

I had coffee recently with one of my coaching clients, a capable, thoughtful guy in his forties.  He was debating two job offers and needed a sounding board. When he described the first choice, his voice was full of energy and excitement. When he described the second, he was flat and negative. Regrettably, the first job required moving to another city but as soon as he came to grips with that, the decision was easy.

So we segued into discussing his mother.  Seems his mother and his wife have a prickly relationship.  The mother, perhaps, is not a gentle soul, but it seems his smart, perfectionist wife has set herself up to look for criticism and fault in every mother-in-law word.  I’m guessing, from the story, that the wife’s drive for perfection brings out the devil in the mother-in-law…she looks for the fault. And the wife hears a tiny correction as the rejection of her, completely and totally. Oh, we are ALL SO NUTS.

What interested me most in this story is the pain this man feels because of the family conflict.  He sticks up for his wife, whom he adores, yet in this dyad, he thinks his wife is more in error than his mother.  He keeps his mother at a distance to avoid tension but this distancing takes an emotional toll on him he doesn’t discuss with this wife or his mother.  He just carries it and feels saddened by it.

I heard a similar story from a man in his fifties on a plane.  Wife and mother clash.  Mother stays away.  Guy takes care of his wife. Guy feels loss of relationship with this mom and never discusses this with this wife.

When we marry our husbands, they are ours.  But they often have a bond with their mothers, and when marriage makes that bond awkward, there is pain.  It is. I believe, primarily our responsibility as mothers of adults to take care of making sure we have good family relationships with our children and their partners, but I do wish daughters-in-law and sons-in-law as well could hear comments as, well, just comments not judgments, criticisms, indictments.

It seems to me a mark of confidence and maturity when a mother-in-law can, for example, do something as foolish as saying, “Gee, the house is messy,” and her daughter-in-law can look around and say, “Hmmmm, I guess it is,” or “Gee, it doesn’t feel so messy to me,” or “Want to help me pick up?”  And move on – because it makes so much more sense than letting it be “an issue.”

Keep the house however you wish.  You do not need someone else’s approval nor her grade.  Be confident and secure enough to organize your life in ways that work for you and your family and recognize it won’t suit everyone.  Don’t let a mother-in-law’s foolish judgments become weapons that keep good husbands from maintaining healthy relationships with their mothers.  There is no win in this for anyone.

If I were Queen, I would arrange for every about-to-be-groom to gift THE MOTHER-IN-LAW’S MANUAL to his mother before the wedding.  But I have not had a clue about how to reach what I think of as “the dude market.”  I am often invited to speak to women 45-65, and as I talk, women start nodding with understanding and may buy multiple copies of the book for family and friends. …but no young man has, at least from me directly, appeared to buy a single copy of the book, and no group of young men has yet invited me to speak.  We don’t know each other.

Thanks to an article by Vincent Mallozzi in this morning’s (5/10/09) New York Times, I now know where grooms gather, at least online.  A smart guy named Michael Arnot  founded the website GroomGrove.com with the intention of getting marriages “started on the right foot.”  My hope is to get mothers-in-law started on the right foot…something I thought would be a piece of cake for me until I found myself a bit left-footed.

It’s a great idea to help young men become partners in planning their weddings since partnership is what, I think, makes marriage happier and easier, but there can still be mother-issues.

We mothers are used to playing leading lady.  Unlike the work world, no one calls us in and says, great job but you are being downsized. Now you have a terrific, interesting character part, and the script is different. I hope THE MOTHER-IN-LAW’S MANUAL helps women understand the shift. I needed the help, and I know from scores of interview that lots of terrific women are challenged by the mother-in-law role.

The Times article mentionned another site that’s a delight.  Mike Harms blogs on grumpygroom.com, and although I am neither a groom nor a guy (but, perhaps, sometimes grumpy), I loved reading Harms’ musings.

If I want young men to buy THE MOTHER-IN-LAW’S MANUAL for their moms, moms might want to buy The Guy’s Guide to Dating, Getting Hitched and Surviving the First Year of Marriage by MIchael Criner that was mentionned in the same article.  Hey, we all need all the good advice and wisdom we can get. Life is good but sometimes it is also just crazy, especially when we are talking on roles we have never played before.

CHANGE WE CAN BELIEVE IN, promised Barack Obama during his presidential campaign. I believed him, but I had no idea his promise would include something as dear to my heart as the image of mothers-in-law.

As a mother-in-law, one who works hard at creating healthy relationships with my children and their partners, it is painful to be stereotyped as a toxic force without good sense or good skills.  Now, thanks to the Obamas, we are seeing a mother-in-law valued enough, loved enough, respected enough to be invited to move into the White House along with the first family.  Oh well, a cynical sort might think, grandma is a good baby sitter.  Do you think people living in the White House have trouble finding suitable sitters?

Marian Robinson, Michele Obama’s mother, brings love, stability, and wisdom.  According to Mr. Obama, she also helps her daughter stay confident. There is, it appears, a relationship of mutual respect.  In response to a reporter’s question, Obama said, “I don’t tell my mother-law what to do.”  In turn, it seems Mrs. Robinson doesn’t tell her children what do to but rather listens, gives her opinion when asked, loves hard and makes her children and grandchildren feel valued and respected.  When she disagrees with a parental decision, she speaks her mind: “Television for only an hour? “That’s just not enough time,” she is quoted as saying in the New York Times, — but she also acknowledges the parents’ decision. In return, she is accorded honesty, respect and love. She is a new icon for mother-in-law, and it is about time.

Mothers-in-law seem to have been left out of the wave of political correctness that followed from the women’s movement.  While sexism is now unfashionable, mothers-in-law are still commonly cast as jokes or complaints.  Mommy blogs are rife with descriptions of supposedly awful people doing and saying hurtful things. Can it really be true that so many women — seemingly functional, fit, and successful, — become awful people when their kids marry?  At the moment of marriage, do perfectly sane women become swept away by malevolent forces?  What a relief to have a very public person publicly demonstrate that his mother-in-law is, well, lovely, and makes positive contributions to his family.

Recent research by a British psychologist suggests that 60% women have some unhappiness with their female in-law.  Daughters-in-law feel their mothers-in-law are competitors for the son’s affection. Mothers-in-law feel shut out.  But doesn’t it make sense that tensions can easily arise from the normal result of restructuring family roles   when children marry?  Is it possible that public expectations of trouble feed the tensions?  Instead of seeing tensions as bumps to be worked out, both older and young woman  identify them as early signals of expected disaster, talk them up, react to them, and make worries become reality.

As a mother, I had the starring role in our family life. I played the lead, and I did it for a couple of decades. I did it well, and I liked it.  Now, with my sons grown, I find I am no longer the leading lady but assigned to a character part.  There are new leading ladies.  Even if I am delighted to have my sons cast their own family leads – and I AM delighted – it is an adjustment.  I have to recalibrate, learn new lines, modulate my voice differently, reposition my place on stage at the same time the young women my sons have married are learning how to step into their new roles and play them with grace and ease.  Why should we be surprised that we may need some rehearsal time?  If we expect tensions and also expect to work on them and find resolution, the possibilities for long term happiness go up.  The more images of healthy mother-in-law relationships that we have, the more we can hold to a less contentious and demeaning view of mothers-in-law.

I, for one, am delighted for Mother’s Day 2009 to have a highly visible mother-in-law who is seen as a force for good in the family, a grounding influence, maybe a reality check sometimes.  Here’s to you, Mrs. Robinson, who so graciously gives to her family and in so doing, is saying YES WE CAN to portraying mothers-in-law in a more positive light.

With the books just out, I find myself with invitations to speak to all kinds of groups.  One Monday, I stated with men and women at Eagles Trace, an Erickson retirement center in west Houston.  That Thursday, I began the day with mothers at St. Martin’s school and ended with members of IJW, Initiative for  Jewish Women (www.ijwtexas.org .)  If you have an overwhelming desire to hear me interviewed on the radio, check out www.chatwithwomen.com.  Go the archives and click on May 12.  You can skip the commercial by beginning at four minutes.  Pam and Rochelle, the two hosts are relaxed interviewers, and it was fun to chat with them.

What I love about all this is the chance to meet wonderful, interesting women.  For example, Rabbi Amy Weiss and I had lunch to talk about her group.  She founded IJW, teaches sex education, is working on bringing Story Corps from NPR to Houston for a year of interviews and seems bottomless in her energy and initiative.

Talking to the women at Eagles Trace gave me a very different perception of life in a retirement center. These seem to be very happy, engaged, busy women who, for the most, part, decided to move from free-standing houses so they could have more control of their lives and their time.  I confess to having had a bit of a "not for me" attitude about this life-style.  I’m way more open now, thanks to having a first hand look into this lifestyle.

I’ve got speaking opportunities lined up on Long Island in June, New York, Princeton and Philadelphia in September, and maybe Chicago and Denver.  It’s kinda crazy to fly half way round the country to talk for thirty minutes and sell maybe 30 books…but it is so deeply satisfying to hear the stories of other women, to laugh with them and learn from them and trip into information I never imagined knowing.  I am eager to talk with women about the book so if you have ideas or are involved with groups for whom this would be a good program, let’s talk.

Because this is my sixth book, I now have enough experience to see that there are three moments in the life of book writing that always stand out for me. The first is when it becomes clear that there really IS a book in me; I really AM going to write it.  When I hit the inflection point that moves me from thinking about it and/or playing with it to knowing, deeply knowing, that I am going forward, it is a bit terrifying but at the same time, deeply satisfying.  I am never sure it will grow into the vision I have of what I want to see in the end, but I love knowing that, no matter, I am going to try.

The second moment is really the very best one in the whole process.  Once the book is finished, I have to sell it to a publisher.  The moment when a publisher says YES and then sends a contract is a great high.  When a piece of work is validated by an outside authority, it gives it external authenticity.  Should one need an external stamp of approval?  Not to know the work is good, but the manuscript needs to be published to move writing from hobby or passion to real world work.  With a contract, I know that what I have so much wanted to say and worked so hard on saying well just might be shared with others.

The final high point, which for me and this book happened on Tuesday, April 14, 2009, is when the book is in hand.  It really IS a published book.  Now, the hard part for me starts.  I prefer writing the book to marketing the book, but in this marketplace, if one’s books don’t sell, the chance of publishing a next book becomes less and less possible.  Since I have a next book I want to write, I know I must work on helping to sell this book.  There are lots of techniques for helping authors sell books — ways to get a big bang on Amazon, to alert booksellers, to dangle oneself in front of the media.  These techniques make sense. I  have no idea why I find it hard to jump into this sphere and play the marketing game– but I’m working on it and so is the publisher.

I have a nice line-up of talks here in Houston and some around the country and am looking for more. I love the chance to talk about the points in the book with other women and hear their comments.  I have some radio interviews and have done some interviews with national media.  We’ll see what happens. If you have read this far, help spread the word.  Viral marketing is the very best strategy.  And help me hold the intention that this book will do well because it is a good piece of work that speaks to many women in ways they will find interesting and useful.